I’m Scared | Janice Holland blog

I’m Scared

I think of myself as a pretty strong woman. I think most people who know me would agree. I often hear, “Janice, you’re the strongest person I know”. I used to take so much pride in hearing people say that. I do still like that I am resilient through adversity, but I would sure love not to have to prove it from time to time! Geez. 

Anyway, I realized not too long ago that some of the issues I was facing were because I was so driven by fear. Instead of letting fear make me feel small, I decided I would be the boss and take control and get rid of it. I was so good at picturing all possible future outcomes and making the choices I knew would keep myself and my family safe. I shut down all emotion and just moved forward. As long as I felt in control, fear had nothing on me. 

When I look back at younger versions of myself, I have so much empathy and compassion when I consider everything I was juggling and managing. I was keeping a failing marriage, two kids, and at many different points, two careers, moving full steam ahead. I had no concept of what it meant to relax, wait, trust, meditate, just be, or any of the other “BS” you hear so many people talk about. I would always think, “yea right”. I can sit and meditate and then I’ll lose my house, my marriage, and God knows what else. 

Can you relate? The thing is, here’s what I’ve learned. Maybe I did need to go ahead and lose all those things, because actually, in the end, I did anyway. Anytime we keep all the plates spinning because we are too afraid of what will happen if we don’t, we lose. Fear is a relentless bully. It will always tell us we will fail. And you know what? As long as we listen to fear, we will. 

It took life bringing me to my knees to understand that the meditating, relaxing, trusting, and ”just being”, had more weight than I thought. It took me losing everything to understand that the opposite of love is fear, and that fear had been running the show my whole life. 

Everything has changed since I surrendered and began the true practice of letting the peace within me be my guide. I am facing some scary circumstances right now, I’m not gonna lie. I can hear fear screaming loud and clear about all the possible ways my life will go wrong and fail. Loud. And. Clear. 

But that’s the thing about fear. It speaks in absolutes. It never gives us alternatives and it demands all our time and attention. It makes every decision and keeps us trapped. Most of us don’t even realize fear is driving us because, from my experience, religion is all tied up in fear. Religions  have become really good at communicating their messages so they sound like truth or wisdom, but really… It’s all fear. I bring this up because so many of us turn to religion when we are most scared. But it really is the cruelest of traps. 

So how am I letting fear go? 

There is a powerful, divine light within me and you that is ever present and always guiding. It doesn’t require rules and predictable outcomes. It wants the absolute best for us, and it’s always challenging us to soar higher and higher. The more I release fear and listen to this light, the higher I go. I don’t know what the outcome will be. I can’t stand here and tell you exactly how my choices will play out. 

What I can do is tell you I am more alive now than I have ever been. I am at peace even though my circumstances are a little crazy. It means I’ve found myself at a crossroads again. This isn’t the first time, and I know for sure it won’t be the last. The decision I need to make now is whether to trust the peace and truth that I know is rooting for me and always has my back, or to take the reins and resolve my circumstances on my own. I know I am capable. I know I could find a solution, I always have. 

However, I also know my solutions have always led me back to the same disappointing outcomes. I am taking a gamble and trying something new. I am not going to over-work to fix my problem. I am going to continue to partner with the divine and take it one step at a time with absolutely no idea what the outcome will be, or where it will lead me. It’s scary, but it’s a totally different kind of scary than when fear is leading the way. I feel both kinds of scared equally right now to be honest. I know where one leads, so I am choosing the other. I’m going to stay calm, wait and meditate. I’m going to take the next step that brings me peace, and see what happens. Why don’t you join me? 

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