Self Blame is a Smoke Screen | Janice Holland Blog

Self Blame is a Smoke Screen

Did you know it is common for us to blame ourselves for all the bad things happening to and around us? If you engage in a deep conversation with someone, it doesn’t take very long to hear the story of how they feel they deserved the bad things that have happened to them, especially in childhood. 

Blaming ourselves for the disappointments we have experienced in life is a way for us to resolve the incredible pain that disappointment brings. This emotion is almost intolerable for us as humans. It is a helpless feeling that we don’t know how to navigate. It is disempowering and no one likes to feel powerless. By deciding that we deserve the bad things coming our way, we manage to grab back a sense of power and control. 

Do you see how attributing blame to ourselves resolves a problem? When we are faced with the problem of disappointment and helplessness, we gain our control and power back by making the decision that we deserve what has happened. Bad things happen to bad people. If I decide I am bad or deserve bad things, then I don’t have to be stressed or disappointed anymore, I deserve everything coming my way. 

This smoke screen is particularly useful for children as they are exceptionally vulnerable. When bad things happen to us as kids, this line of thinking really is the only way we learn to survive and cope. Thank God our brains are so clever… it got us through impossible situations as kids. But this starts to break down over time and doesn’t serve us long-term.

Unfortunately, over time, blaming ourselves creates other long-term problems. You see, we aren’t bad, and we don’t deserve bad things. The grief, sadness and loneliness we experienced due to being hurt is covered up by the smoke screen of believing we are bad and deserved it. We can’t process and heal the true emotions because this smoke screen hides them from us. 

What we don’t need in this phase is mantras and meditations for how good we are. This perpetuates the problem and keeps us from addressing the root issue. This is why prayer, reading the bible, chanting, cleansing, seances, or any other form of cleansing or purifying won’t work until you remove the smoke screen and deal with reality.  

What is reality? Bad things happen to good and innocent people. Children get hurt when they don’t deserve it. Accidents happen, fights break out, the world is full of f***ed up things and innocent people get hurt. 

If you want to be truly free. Free to love your life, create a reality of joy and abundance and step away from the victim archetype for good, then you have to remove the smoke screen and FEEL your way through reality. Grieve all that was broken and lost. Feel the sadness and anger as you grieve and process what you innocently experienced and had no choice or control over. 

Once you do the true work of grief and processing, then you are no longer held captive by the events of the past. You are free. You are free to curate a life you love and you have the tools to manage any disappointment or set back that comes your way. You are no longer held captive by maintaining the mirage of the smoke screen. It no longer exists! 

Most of us need support as we begin the process of feeling and dealing with reality. The mirage of the smoke screen is so powerful it is almost impossible for us to see it for ourselves initially. The Courageous Woman Transformation Journey will give you all the tools you need to see the smoke screen, take it down, and grieve through the past so you are free in your future. Join us!

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